Sleepless Nights
by Shadowngel
Summary: Lime learns another one of life's lessons, but this time, the lesson learned is taught by the person she least expects... (First SMJ fic! Dont hurt me!!)


Sleepless Nights  
by Shadow4ngel  
superpinay@hotmail.com  
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Summary: Lime learns another one of life's lessons, but this time, the lesson learned is taught by the teacher she least expects.   
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I sat for a moment in the darkness and watching him breathe. It was kind of fun, I think, to watch his chest move up and down.

Kind of confusing too. I never used to do that.

But tonight was different I guess. A bit scary. For the first time in my … short life… I couldn't sleep. 

There were other nights where I couldn't sleep, but whenever I couldn't I would get up and run around Japoness a few times. Didn't do much, but it kept my mind busy.

There were things that I didn't want to think about.

Tonight was cold. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be so sensitive. I had a heart, but I was still a marionette. I shouldn't have felt so ... vulnerable. Yes. That's the word. Vulnerable. 

What I wouldn't give to have Otaru out here with me. Maybe that way, Japoness wouldn't seem so...

If Otaru asked me how I felt, I'd always say, 'I'm happy.' But I can't tell him that I'm also a little sad too. Wouldn't it make him too? I guess. More confusion.

Otaru taught me that the world was beautiful. And he taught me how wonderful it felt to be alive. He taught me to listen to the wind and to look at how green the forest is. He taught me many wonderful things. But that's because Otaru is a wonderful person. 

I love him a lot.

But sometimes, when I sit still too long with no one around, I start to think about things. And I figure out things that Otaru didn't bother to let me know.

See, he forgot to tell me how scary thoughts could creep into me if I didn't tell my head to think about something else.

Not thoughts like killing people. I mean thoughts about Otaru. Where Otaru would get sick. Or if he told me he didn't love me. And also, if he never woke me up in that temple. If he got lost some day and never came back.

I looked down at my hands. They were shaking.

I whimpered. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. Otaru forgot to tell me too many things. I didn't want to find out on my own like I was doing. I wanted him to be there so he'd always tell me that everything would be okay. And he could make me feel happy again and get me through it.

I laid back down beside him. I was almost gonna cry.

I waited about an hour before I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep. I still couldn't stop thinking. I felt… see.. there's this word he told me one time, 'Unsettled.' Or maybe 'Conflicted.' He told me I looked like those words. But then, he shook it off and told me to smile. He said I probably didn't understand them yet. And that I would understand some day.

But what if I cant? I remember what happened when I couldn't understand Tiger's heart. When I couldn't understand mine. Bad things. Too many bad things happen when I run away.

What else can I do, Otaru?

I stood up and picked up my shoes. I didn't put them on yet. They'd make too much noise and I'd wake up Otaru. I didn't want to. He looked so much at peace.

I stepped outside, but waited until I was pretty far away before I put on my shoes.

I felt like running. A door opened, though so I stopped. Hanagata.

"Oi…What the hell are you doing out this late?" He said, stubbornly hugging his Otaru-themed pajamas closer to his body for warmth. I unintentionally hung my head a little lower. "You're making so much noise. Unlike you, people actually need to get some rest. We've got more important things to do that stalk around Japoness at night."

"Gomen.." I apologized. But I realized who I was talking to and puffed up my cheeks. "But I'm not making noise! You're just being a stupid jerk….And I do sleep!! So leave me alone…"

"I would leave you alone if you didn't make so much racket," he mumbled, "So keep it down already." He turned on his heel and headed straight for his bed.

"Oi… H-Hana-chan?" I asked quietly. He growled because he wanted to sleep already, but glanced back at me anyway.

"What do you want now? I need my beauty sleep."

I rubbed the back of my neck but stopped when I felt my hands shaking again. "Do you ever… Are you ever scared?"

"What kind of question is that?! Unless you have something important to say, then I'm retreating to my soft, comfy bed." He didn't leave though, he just started tapping his foot.

"… of thinking… bad things." I asked. My eyes started watering. I didn't even feel sad. I felt scared, but I didn't feel like crying. I wasn't supposed to cry. Tears always came when I told them no… "Like Otaru going away. And never coming back."

I quickly recovered, "Even though I know Otaru would never want to scare us like that…" I trailed off and mumbled after a small pause, "But Otaru said that everything alive has to die. It hurts. And I can't make it stop. Because what happens when Otaru grows old like Jiichan? And he dies too? What happens to me and Cherry and Bloodberry?"

I let my knees go out from under me and I sat on the ground, more tired than ever. As tired as a marionette can be anyway. I looked up, expecting to find Hanagata laughing at me. He didn't. I found him looking more surprised than I had ever seen him. And he looked like he didn't have words to say. Speechless.

I sighed, not trying to poke at him or anything, but just sighed because I wanted to. "Never mind. It's nothing. Go back to sleep. I don't want to keep you up. I think I'll just run around for a little bit."

Hanagata raised his hand to stop me. He surprised me again when he said, "Is that how you're expecting to go around? Sulking about it? You told Otaru, yet?"

"I don't want to tell Otaru… and what else can I do?"

"Well, for one, sulking about it won't help. And number two…." He paused, uncomfortable saying this, "… if anything happened to Otaru, don't you think you'd be there to protect him?" He scratched his head in frustration.

"Lime, thinking bad things… or worrying, actually, comes with having a heart. You should know that by now. You've been through some hard times. And you shouldn't break down every time you find out something new about the world. You'll never stop learning Lime. That's just the package you get with living. Being alive. You'll always learn something new, _especially_ about Otaru."

I nodded and I started tracing pictures in the dirt as I listened to him. I sniffled. "But… how come I feel more scared now? Fighting against Faust wasn't as sad…"

Hanagata rubbed his forehead, obviously searching for an answer. "It's love Lime. Deal with it…."

I nodded. He sighed.

"Listen. Lime. Yeah, it's true, Otaru's not gonna be here forever. And yeah, he's a human and he's gonna grow old and change. And of course die, too. But it's best that you put it aside and live _today_ because… well.. because there's nothing else you can do. And the only thing you should think about is how to make _today_ worthwhile. So that when you look back at your life, you can… um… eheh… say that you don't have regrets, I guess." He waited for a reply. I just sat there a second, letting the words sink in a little bit. "You get what I'm saying?"

I wiped away the tears that never came down my face. They were still waiting to fall down. But they didn't.

I nodded again.

"Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to sleep."

I stood up on my own two feet and dusted my clothes off. "Oi… Hana-chan?"

"..mmph?"

Looks like I didn't need to run around after all.

"Arigatou... Thank you..."

Hanagata laughed softly, ".. heh… yeah, whatever. Night."

He closed the door behind him and I went back to Otaru. He was still sleeping when I came in, but he sat up groggily and asked what I was doing up. I paused when he did and I just stared at him a moment before walking up to him and hugging him. He pushed me back gently so he could look me in the eye. The moonlight made his face… well…well, it made me feel good.

"Lime, what's wrong?"

I smiled like I didn't have a care in the world. "I love you, Otaru."

He smiled back and mere minutes after I laid down on my blankets, I fell asleep.

I wasn't so cold, after all. 


End file.
